


My mind is a prison

by ZulemasPuta



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Lesbian Emily Prentiss, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29167692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZulemasPuta/pseuds/ZulemasPuta
Summary: Emily’s POV.Emily was shot on a case and JJ starts to blame herself for what happened. After almost dying  Emily tries to gather herself and finally confess her feelings for the one and only Jennifer Jareau but it wont be easy. Both have their own demons to fight. Will they have a happy ending? Read to find out ;)There will be smut in later chapters.Song fic.I am also sorry for any mistakes. English is not my first language.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

As bad as it may sound but I actually was very used to getting hurt in the field.

But it was mostly plows to my head causing a concussion or shots that went straight to my Kevlar. Sure they left bruises but this hurt like hell. It was a burning sensation.

“Jen...”  
I reach up touching her face.

“I forgot how much getting shot actually hurts oof. Hurts...h-hurts like a bitch”  
I could see the concern and worry in her eyes. I don’t want her to worry about me.

I try to stay strong for the blonde as I nod as she asks me if I can walk  
“I-I think so”

“Son of a ...” I groan out as another wave of pain hits me. Even getting stabbed didn’t hurt this much.

But I knew one thing that hurt more. The worry in JJs eyes.  
I was just glad that it wasn’t her in this situation but I knew it hurt her seeing me like this.  
My white shirt was colored crimson red by now.  
“J-Jennifer”  
Hearing her soft voice was what kept me going at the moment. It has something calming to. It always had been calming.  
Whether it was over a phone call when I was in London or on our girls nights.

I feel myself get weaker by the second but I knew I had to make it. For JJ. She tried to hold me up.

We stumbled outside together. My whole weight almost leaning on her.

I was glad Jennifer was by my side. Even in the worst situations she made me feel better. But I also knew how fragile she could be.

She is a smart woman and I really hope she doesn’t let this affect her too much but I know that’s easy to say.

I really tried to stay strong, if not for myself then for her. But I have lost so much blood. Was it possible to feel hot and cold at the same time?  
“JJ?” Was the last thing I manage to get out before the paramedics took over.

Once I was placed inside an ambulance everything darkens around me. I’m engulfed by pure darkness.  
This feeling was familiar. I thought I would never have to deal with this ever again.  
I have to fight. I can’t lose. I have to be strong.  
The team...Jennifer.. I couldn’t put them all through this. Not again.

I was pulled out of the darkness quicker than I thought and I was happy about it I was okay! I made it!

Sure it still hurt but I was alive. I’m living and what’s better is that I will get to see JJ. Oh she must have been really scared.

I was staring ahead of me lost in my thoughts and still exhausted when I heard her soft voice.  
It immediately planted a smile on my face hearing her. That soft voice could make everyone feel better instantly.

My head turned towards her “hey”. There she was asking me how I was feeling. “Ah you know like I just have been shot” i said wanting to joke as i immediately regretted it. God Prentiss you’re so stupid.

I can somehow sense that this is hurting her more than the others. Or maybe I’d like to think this way.  
I was glad she was the first face I saw.

“You’re a hero Jennifer Jareau you know that? You saved my life” I managed to get out.  
“God I must look horrible “ I say to lighten the mood a little. I knew how she would get.  
she may look like this fragile petit blonde but we all know just how strong and amazing she really was. I blushed as she said that i was looking as beautiful as ever which. Me, Emily Prentiss , blushing?

“Thank you Jennifer” I usually called her JJ just like everyone else on the team but this moment somehow seemed a little more intimate.

I was here because of her. She was the reason why I stayed alive and why i am alive.   
When I first came here my life had been a mess and I won’t lie about that now. It was dark and dreary. I still remember when I first saw JJ. I was in Hotch’s office trying to explain why I was there and then she walked in. Those blue eyes immediately caught my attention.  
I’ll never forget how she had poked her head inside to inform Aaron that they had a new case.  
Yeah Jennifer Jareau was someone special.

I can see the worry in her eyes as I offer my hand to her, the one that wasn’t all wired up.  
“I’m okay. I’m alive. Thanks to you”

When she takes my hand in hers after I had reached out, I knew this was real. I just needed a little confirmation.

My heart was beating fast inside of my chest at her touch. But I tried to keep it together.  
  
I gently shook my head “Jennifer we both know you’re strong. You are what holds this team together you know? “ then she said something that broke my heart. She told me hat she would not know what she would do without me.

I took a deep breath. “You would manage to go on without me. But I’m here. I’m here and I’m never gonna leave okay?” I assured her softly stroking the back of her hand with my thumb.  
“I wouldn’t be here without you...”

Whenever I’m around her I can’t seem to think straight. It’s her presence, her scent and her beauty that are intoxicating.

Back then when i stayed in Paris the only thing that kept me going was the thought of the blonde and our fair share of online scrabble. But i also couldn’t wait for the day I’d be back.  
But I had been scared too.  
It was for my safety and the safety of the team, of Jennifer. Not a day had passed by where i didn’t think about her. But that was in the past now. I was here and so was she.

I really don’t know what I would do without her or where I would be.

I gently reach up and place my hand on her cheek slowly stroking it. It felt soft and warm.

“Jennifer you will never get rid of me” I try to lighten the mood a little as I smile at her.  
“I am here because of you.” And I didn’t only mean right at this moment. I meant all these years we have been working together. She was the one I trusted the most.  
She really was my guardian angel.

Once again I find myself get lost in her blue eyes before I spoke softly “you’re not getting rid of me that easily”.

I was so glad she was here. That she was alone here in my hospital room.

“You’re not just only a hero JJ...you’re my hero” and I meant it. My hand was still slowly caressing her face.

There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I want to tell her.  
All I wanted was to wrap her in my arms and not let go. To tell her everything is okay. Over and over again.  
Whispering sweet nothings in her ear to make her feel better because I knew that this was effecting her.

I feel myself tear up. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”


	2. Building up courage

Because of days like these I was considering telling her how I really felt. What I really felt. For her.  
I didn’t even care about myself when I got shot. All I could do was think about her. I knew her heart wouldn’t be able to take this so I had to fight for her.   
I was wondering if she felt the same? And what if I tell her and she doesn’t ? I cannot lose her. What if things would get awkward between us? But at one point I had to let the cat out of the bag. Today just showed me that life can be short. And you should just go for it. But was now the right time? Will there ever be the right time for this? 

“Looks like I’m bulletproof” I jokingly said trying to lighten the mood again. All I wanted to see was her beautiful smile that always would light up everyone. The way her eyes shone when she did just melted my heart every single time. 

There it was. That beautiful smile. The one I fell in love with. It was the first thing I saw when I had met her.   
“There’s that beautiful smile “ I said out loud and smiled wide at her. I didn’t want her unhappy. I know what happened will have an aftermath for us , for particular reasons it always has an aftermath. But I think it will also bring us closer together if that’s even possible.

If I am being honest right now I would want nothing more right now than for her to just lay down with me and hold me.   
I was acting like everything was okay but that was absolutely not the case. I cannot stop thinking about what could have been. What if I wouldn’t have made it? What would the team do? What would Jennifer do. It was bad enough that I already once had /died/ but really dying? That would have been something else. But I tried to push that that aside.

When she said ‘that’s one of the many things I love about you’ I swear my heart almost leapt out of my chest. Was it possible to fall for someone all over again ? 

“Jennifer...” I then said as I also let out a yawn still a little exhausted from the surgery and the events that had taken place. 

As weird as it may sound right now but I never felt more alive than I do at the moment even though I just had been shot.  
Something about me being around JJ made me feel pretty much alive but it doesn’t change the fact that I am tired.

I was scared to fall asleep though. What if I wake up and she is not there? 

If this day has taught me anything than it was that life is short. I can’t push these feelings aside anymore.

“I’m tired JJ and exhausted” and I didn’t only mean from surgery. I also meant being tired from running away from everything. Whenever I think something good might happen I take off and run because I’m scared but I was sick and tired of it. I had to stop doing that.   
“So tired “ I said looking at her. 

I didn’t want to let go of her hand and I didn’t want her to let go of it either. It was a reminder that she really was here by my side. And I also knew she wouldn’t leave any time soon. So what was I scared of? 

I bite my lip as I look at her nervously.   
“Please don’t leave “ I manage to get out.  
I was kind of scared to fall asleep. I didn’t want to wake up with her being gone.   
She was the only one who was holding me together at the moment.   
“JJ...can you lay down with me?” I asked her softly giving her puppy eyes. I knew she would never say no to them. 

But of course I did not want to make her uncomfortable. But I needed someone now. To show me that I’m very much alive and breathing. That everything will be alright.  
I know I tend to hide my feelings but sometimes I just need some reassurance. Sometimes I need someone to show me I’m here. And that someone was Jennifer Jareau.

I wouldn’t be here without her. All these times she had saved me. I wish I could find a way to thank her for everything she had done for me. God everything she does makes me fall for her all over again. It’s this inexplicable feeling inside of me that always appears when I’m around her. 

I mumble a soft “please” batting my eyelashes at her. 

I could not help but blush. She really was going to lay down with me. Of course there were cases where we had to share a bed because we had to double up.  
But this was completely different. I had asked her to my down with me and she actually did.

I immediately felt safer in her her arms. But I also couldn’t stop the tears from falling.   
Emily Prentiss Crying? That was new. Well not really but I never cried openly in front of anyone. But I guess all my feelings that had build up inside of me were coming crashing down on myself. Since when am I the emotional one? I always tried to hide my feelings. 

I hid my face in her neck as my tears fell. She smelled so good. I could never get enough of it. 

She’s here with me. Holding me. I could get used to her playing with my hair. It has something very calming to it.


End file.
